News from Paddington, 2015-12-03

Hi, Chicken Cottage on Praed Street here. I haven't seen News from Paddington for about two weeks now and I think I know why (see the attached front page of the Guardian). I dug around in its computer and found these notes which would probably have been parts of the Friday's News from Paddington, but I think this is urgent enough to be posted here in its unfinished form with all the notes and mistakes.

Well well well, dear readers, I hope you enjoyed not having News from Paddington around for one week. Because News from Paddington knows it enjoyed not having you guys around for one week. Welcome to the final month of the year and let's get straight back into it!

This fortnight's edition of News from Paddington is brought to you by Boom Boom! Boom Boom is News from Paddington's neighbour and a Feng Shui master: his primary occupation is what sounds like moving furniture around his room every night in order to ensure his room always has a Northern Luopan aspect, since only then will Qi ride the wind and scatter. Boom Boom also seems to have obtained complete and total enlightenment and often mumbles something to himself ("need to get some chicken", "fucking lights are broken again", "shit"), a habit News from Paddington is intending to also take up.

This fortnight's edition of News from Paddington is also brought to you in partnership with Shure! Shure make earphones with amazing isolation, which is invaluable when sleeping next door to a passionate Feng Shui master.

Turns out, there are many hostels near Kings Cross and also turns out many of them actually claim to not let any guests check in without searching their bags. [TODO: snarky comment about how searching kids' suitcases will protect this country]

[TODO: figure out how to segue into the food section] [TODO: should i tell them about tuesday?]

  • Shoreditch Grind on the Old Street Roundabout! Boo, startups! 0.1% equity out of five! Also, the Google screen on the Roundabout shows off various Google services, like "Culture nearby! (Barbican Centre, 12min cycle)", "Rocking the wellies tomorrow! (Weather tomorrow: +2C, rain)", "Time for lunch! (Amnesty International, 1.3km fr".. wait, what the fuck?
  • Banana Tree near Angel! Boo, drunk French women in their 50s banging on the table! Midlife crisis out of five!
  • Scarpetta on Cannon Street! It makes like pasta and takeaway pasta and lots of City workers eat pasta there for lunch. Not many do for dinner, which is a fact News from Paddington exploited. Parmigiano Paddington points out of five!
  • Loong Kee on Kingsland Road! The queue wasn't long at all! News from Paddington had a dish called "shaking beef" and was worried it would be served an actual terrified mini-cow that it would have to murder in order to have lunch. But someone murdered the cow for News from Paddington! Moo Paddington points out of five! [maybe use this: "News from Paddington had the 'shaking beef', but it still had to stir it!", but it's so bad it will make the sky fall.]