News from Paddington, 2015-10-16

You are News from Paddington. It is 10:30pm. You enter London Bridge Station after having a nice walk-and-talk with a coworker over London Bridge. Of course, neither of you are drunk. She left you before you walked into the station -- she lives around here. You walk down the escalator on your secret unmarked route that few people know of, sharing approving glances with your fellow revellers. The train approaches, protected by suicide doors. You get in and take your favourite seat: the quarter-metre sized perch at the edge of the carriage. People get in, people get out. They seem to always be able to squeeze past you. You get off at Baker Street. The Bakerloo Line train is standing at the opposite platform, half a minute's walk away from you. If you run, you will make it. But you don't care. You are News from Paddington. A gentleman can walk but never run. As you walk into the train, the doors start beeping. They are about to close. The commuters behind you are running to get on the train. Some of them do. Some of them don't. The train leaves the platform. Minutes later, you arrive to Edgware Road. You leave the train and go up the stairs to the lift. The one on the right is gone, but the one on the left opens its doors to you. You get in and stand in front of the very exit from the lift. You are News from Paddington. You swipe your Oyster card and exit the station. You enter your Headquarters and open up your laptop. There is a file on your desktop. It says...

News from Paddington!

Meanwhile in Meanwhile Gardens...

You are standing on a Tube platform. There is a train approaching and there is another train in 1 minute. Do you 1) pile up into the first train, getting squeezed inside of it more than the British middle class or 2) wait 1 minute for the next train, which comes empty and stays empty because the train in front of it is collecting everybody else?

You are standing on a Tube platform. There is a massive crowd of people by the entrance. The end of the platform is empty. Do you 1) stand in the middle and then pile up into the middle carriage, getting squeezed inside of it more than people who shorted the SP500 before its biggest weekly gain of the year or 2) walk leisurely to the end of the platform and board an almost-empty carriage?

You are standing on a Tube platform. It is 17:30 on a weekday. A train is approaching. Do you 1) pile up into the train, getting squeezed inside of it more than small business owners by the Mafia in 1930s or 2) reevaluate your life choices and decide to never be on the platform again at 17:30 on a weekday?

Just like News from Paddington suspected, Lena's Cafe, Victor's Cafe and Sarah's Cafe, located in various parts of London, are owned by the same person whose name is neither of those.

"Oh yeah, of course! I know you!" -- everyone, meet the head manager of Waitrose on Edgware Road. After the previous time she approved a sale of an exorbitant amount of alcohol to News from Paddington, she now knows News from Paddington and says that every time she approves a sale of an exorbitant amount of alcohol to News from Paddington. Seems like there are very few stores in West London that don't know News from Paddington yet.

Quote of the week: "It fills up faster than you can say 'it fills up faster'"

News from Paddington promised once to keep monitoring the events on London Bridge and that finally paid off last Wednesday as the whole bridge was closed and cordoned by the police, with police boats on the Thames because of a "suspicious package" on the bridge. About half an hour after that, a man exited a police van, walked over to the middle of the bridge, crouched for five minutes and then got picked up by the van and left. The bridge was opened soon after. It is said that the man in question has difficulty travelling by air because his genitalia keep triggering metal detectors.

Did News from Paddington eat this week? Of course it did.

• Chicken McNuggets from McDonald's on Edgware Road. Did you know that Chicken McNuggets only come in four distinct shapes? Did you know that they taste really good only when you're drunk? Did you know that if you eat 20 Chicken McNuggets in one go and the abdominal pain persists for more than 4 hours, you should see a doctor? Three Paddington points out of five.
• Toa's Kitchen on Queensway. It was sandwiched between two other Chinese restaurants that had massive queues in front of them, so News from Paddington of course decided to try it out because it doesn't like queues. But the people in the queues were right. Two Paddington points out of five.
• A pork burrito from Poncho 8 on Sheldon Square. The only reason it's better than a burrito from Chilango on King William Street is because you don't have to go to King William Street. But News from Paddington supports local businesses. Four Paddington points out of five.
• A meal deal from Sainsbury's. Combine a £3 sandwich, a £1.50 bottle of juice and a £1 pack of crisps and pay £3 for it. The Sainsbury's meal deal has always been £3. News from Paddington is considering using it as a hedge against inflation. Five Paddington points out of five, adjusted for inflation of Paddington points.

Mixology with News from Paddington, brought to you in partnership with Jecur Organ Transplant Services. "Jecur Organ Transplant Services! When the mind is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised!"

• It is very well known that this year, and all years before and after it, are the year of Ernest Hemingway. One of Ernest Hemingway's favourite drinks was Death in the Afternoon: "Pour one jigger absinthe into a Champagne glass. Add iced Champagne until it attains the proper opalescent milkiness. Drink three to five of these slowly." Ernest Hemingway's writing skills were much better than his mixology skills. Three to five Paddington points out of five.
• What to do with the rest of the absinthe? Drink it the proper way! Pour 25ml of it in a glass and then slowly drip some iced water through a sugar cube into it until it obtains a milky white colour. See, Ernest? You suck. Five Paddington points out of five.
• What to do with the rest of everything else? News from Paddington presents to you its magnum opus, the Sheldon Square Ice Tea. This drink, named after the Long Island Ice tea, is prepared as follows: In a cocktail shaker, mix 50ml of cognac, 25ml of Grand Marnier, 40ml of absinthe, 20ml of Waitrose™ Zesty And Bright™ 30% Mexican™ Lime Juice Cordial and 330ml of Corona Extra beer. Shake with ice. The greenness of the absinthe, together with the yellowness of everything else, gives it the look, but not the healing properties, of green tea. Drink slowly for 2 + 1 + 2.2 + 0 + 1.5 = 6.7 units of fun. News from Paddington assigns it oh my God I don't feel too well Paddington points out of five! It's really good!